think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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