Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
