I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
