took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
