This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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