Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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