Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
