I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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