My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
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