apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
