dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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