So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
