Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
