I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
