yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
