I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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