You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
