Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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