Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
