Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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