I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
