my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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