your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
