I want to have your abortion
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
