I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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