Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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