Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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