there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
