I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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