you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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