but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
