I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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