Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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