someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Small penises have feelings too.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
