I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
The adults are the big ones right?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
