Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
