can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
