Where did you get a picture of my penis
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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