Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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