epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
