Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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