it hurts more in the daytime
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Randomize
