So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
