The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
