tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You ruined the universe
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
