Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
