I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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