god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
MIDGETS
????
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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