Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
