At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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