Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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