dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
